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Bobatron Speaks: Why Metal Blows

Anybody who knows me personally, will no doubt be aware of my dislike, at best, of what people would collectively refer to as “metal”. Not the chemical element, rather the subculture based around the genre. I regularly try to remind my friends that Metallica have been the ass-clowns that they are today, but I also praise Dragonforce and Slayer. Confused?

Keeping the Aryan fjords pure and evil.

The main issue I have with metal is that I can’t get my head around the escapism that is an intrinsic part of metal culture; whether it’s riding horses in a battlefield or talking to the devil over the phone, there is an undeniable dose of the supernatural belief, not so much encouragement to “get into” metal as much as it is almost required. From the hundreds of self-confessed metal-heads across five countries that I have met in my life so far, all, without failure, have some belief or serious interest in mythology/religion, the supernatural and/or J.R.R Tolkien. One of them even works for Blizzard Entertainment as a moderator in World of Warcraft in France these days.

Sure, I suppose you could argue that it’s all supposed to be allegorical metaphors, to give a more theatric and artistically astute appearance to everything, quote some Oscar Wilde or other aesthete, blah blah blah… Bullshit, if you have something interesting to say, if you have serious social or political commentary to make, why hide behind coded messages and the cop out of “artistic license”? Why pretend to be a mediator of ideological conflict rather than actively mediate the conflict? Why sit on that proverbial fence of not really wanting to make any real statement outside of jokingly making fun of religion, when you could be making a difference with awesome music?

Another thing I find unbearable in 99% of metal bands is that false sense of superiority metal-heads get from thinking about how technically amazing their preferred music is; as if making a guitar squeal is akin to curing cancer or something. Being able to play all the guitar notes at the same time is not necessarily a great thing; sometimes less is more. Guitarists that take themselves way too serious, so as to have six-minute solos on every other song, are more or less dudes who probably didn’t get enough hugs when when they were younger. It’s those sort of maladjusted “artists” who perpetuate the “sex, drugs and rock n’ roll, maaaaaaan” stereotype. I got into what most people would broadly refer to as an “alternative genre” of music (but more often than not, they call it “noise” or “garbage”) to get away from all the posturing, dishonesty and bullshit that comes with mainstream “pop” music. The rock n‘ roll lifestyle of excess is one that I feel is as institutionalised as old-time sexism or racism. Is it any surprise then that metal scenes across the world are populated by Republicans, racialists, homophobes and other assorted idiots? Kid Rock, Ted Nugent or Varg (real-name Christian) Vikernes, anyone?

Do *you* still have a red hat laying around?

There are of course exceptions to this rule, namely any band that actually has interesting lyrics or can be confident enough to make a career out of self-ridicule. That would include serious bands like Sepultura and Slayer, who were inspired by hardcore/punk, as well as Iron Maiden, Dragonforce and to an extent Anthrax, for taking notes from Spinal Tap (although Anthrax sadly don’t realise they are a fucking joke, so maybe they need to get Billy Milano to sing because S.O.D were so much better). The difference with these metal bands is that they somewhat prove that they are content with taking themselves serious enough to figure out how to become a) motivated artists or b) committed entertainers. With most other metal bands I get the feeling they are trying to strike a nice “golden middle” of the two, or at worst pretending to strive for that middle ground. You can see that by how metal bands will contradict themselves on so many levels, like say Rage Against The Machine selling you radical leftist politics at $40 shows, with $20 CDs and $30 t-shirts. Oh, sure, they still care about the politics and they “can’t help being that popular”. Or can they?

Do you not think that what with all the money they made so far they couldn’t be more ethical about their commercial practices? I am not expecting them to “regress” to doing basement shows and giving away CD-R’s of their new records for the rest of their lives, but surely they can see that something has gone wrong… If a band as low on the record sales/hits radar like Fugazi can last as long as any other commercially successful metal act out there and consistently maintain a socio-political agenda without having to exploit people in the process, you really do have to wonder whether rock stars and pop stars are intentionally being assholes to everyone.

You see, as much as metal would like to see itself as a subculture of the margins, it is firmly-rooted in the mainstream, only it likes to kid itself that it comes from some mythical fantasy land; about as progressive or meaningful as tripping out at a Grateful Dead show. If metal-heads think punks are clowns, what the hell are metal-heads themselves if not the big daddy of clowns? What has metal been synonymous with apart from theatrics and excess? Not a fuck of a lot.

Top Ten of Shit Metal Bands:
1. Metallica: The über-metal band; they cut their hair short right about the same time they cut their balls off.
2. Black Sabbath: As live (but sadly not entertaining) as senile shell-shocked Parkison’s sufferers.
3. Megadeth: “Wah! Wah! Wah! I was in Metallica too! Wah! Wah! Wah!”
4. Guns N’ Roses: Even metal-heads have given up on these ass-clowns.
5. Korn: Really, isn’t everyone ashamed for actually paying real money to buy their records in the 1990s?
6. Pantera: They used to be Manowar Juggalos or something and ‘Walk’ is really the most boring Mëtäl änthëm out there. Ever.
7. Limp Bizkit: Look bro, if indie kids and buddyhead bully you, it’s about time you quit. Oh, you have. Good.
8. Judas Priest: If you’re get that worked up over some dude in bondage liking the cock, you might as well listen to Limp Bizkit.
9. Marilyn Manson: The only controversial thing about this pretentious art-fag is the amount of class-a ass that seems to follow him around.
10. Trivium: Like Metallica, only they never had long hair or testicles to begin with.

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